oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
