Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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