Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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