I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
