tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Congratulations! We have a period
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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