I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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