sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
