Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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