I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
