just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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