do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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