did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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