So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
