in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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