Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize