He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
