I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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