Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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