true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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