holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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