I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
