If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
