I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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