you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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