Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
