i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
