Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
