I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
MIDGETS
????
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
