nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
