everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
