I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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