You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
