I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
