last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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