Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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