just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
