Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
