no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Randomize
