i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
