Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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