even my farts smell like vagina
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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