I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
