Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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