i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
That accounts for only three of the penises
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
