yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
