Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
