im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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