Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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