I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
