...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
