I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
